A short introductory video to a new series I’ll be doing as part of my weight loss journey. Expect frank discussion on some of the key factors that have contributed to my success so far.
Miss me? Nah, I didn’t think so. This blog had gotten pretty darn boring after all. You can only write about the same twenty pounds going up and down, up and down, up and down (repeat at least 3 more times) before people start to lose interest.
Hell I was losing interest. Not in losing the weight – never that! Just in writing about how STUCK I was.
Yes, you caught that didn’t you? The use of a past tense verb.
Before I get to that however, let me quickly catch you up on happenings since my last post a few months ago.
June 3, 2014… I was back below 200 again! The next week would bring another several pounds lost, until once more I would teeter on the verge of being at a NEW LOW WEIGHT (below 195.4) since I started the whole program in October of 2012. Now of course every other time I have gotten close, I have completely sabotaged myself and bounced back up. But surely that was not going to happen again?
Not only did I sabotage myself, I had a 3 week binge-a-thon of epic scale. I cannot believe how many calories I consumed on most days. I cannot believe that I never felt full, much less seriously ill (as I should have!). But in any case, the end result was not only moving away from my “new low weight” but in fact getting back up to 218.6 pounds by June 30.
Yes. I gained 22 pounds in about 3 weeks.
Then on July 1st the lord appeared to me in the form of a burning bush and commanded that I repent. Okay not really but the end result was kind of the same. My damn binge eating lightbulb switch (on/off on/off) was finally flipped back to off. As the smoke cleared, I looked around at the damage and decided I needed to go all in. Not tomorrow. Now. Right away. Whatever the mental/emotional block was that I kept hitting around 195, I needed to get over that bitch once and for all.
I went back to the mindset of “my ONLY job right now, ONLY priority, is losing weight. Everything and everyone else needs to come second for a while. period.“
I also resumed taking Phentermine – which I had been off for a long time – because I was going to throw every damn tool at my disposal at being successful this time.
So that was July 1 and now it’s August 14. I have taken off all the weight I had regained, and lost an additional 8 pounds. I was 188 this morning.
Most of the rest of my weight loss group has started transitioning back to food, I was supposed to start last week. I didn’t.
I have been so on target the last 6-7 weeks and it’s been so gloriously EASY again to be on only meal replacements. I feel great. And as I thought about it, I simply could not imagine anything more self-destructive and filled with sabotage than my reintroducing food right at the time that I am finally cruising in a new lower weight loss zone. Absurd!
So, I am staying on all meal replacements until…
Either I start cheating, and then I’ll need to focus on trying to eat moderately, or else I start feeling poorly (physically). Or I run out of meal replacements.
I don’t think it will be more than another 8-10 weeks, but I could lose another 15-20 pounds in that time. That’s a lot! I think I could do it this time!
Yes, I have said that before. 🙂
In any case, in an effort to raise my game and keep this entertaining for all of us, I am also going to do some video blogs in the comings weeks in which I’ll cover some of the reasons I have been successful.
Yes, I have been successful. The videos will not be about my struggles to lose more weight, they will be focused on the reasons/tools that have enabled me to keep off more than 100 pounds for over a year at this point. Far longer than I have ever kept major weight off in all my prior attempts.
So… short intro video coming for new “viewers” (you guys already know the basics) and then I’ll start some topic based videos.
Not bad actually. Though I have not been nearly stupid enough! Not sire, I have been working out every day, but only one hour of hardish cardio. I should be doing at least 90-120 minutes if I wanted to be exceptionally stupid. I’m working up to being dumber!
In the meanwhile, there is still hope I’ll hit 190 by June 21… not a lot but some! I should be under 200 in the next few days, which leaves me 19-20 days to lose 9-10 pounds. It’s possible.
Whatever happens though, it’s very exciting to almost be back in ONEderland. It’s been a while as you can see from the chart, and I have not stayed UNDER 200 for very long any of the 3 times I went below it in the last 6 months or so.
This time will be different.
Once I get under 200 this time, I am never, ever going above it again. (Hayzues! Taylor Swift “we are never ever getting back together” just popped into my head. I hate that song almost as much as I detest her!”
As God is my witness… I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never be hungry over 200 pounds again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill take appetite suppressants. 🙂 As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry over 200 again.
So if you have noticed on the right hand side of the blog, I had signed up to do the Fatcyclist weight loss challenge some months back. I wanted to support Fatty’s awesome wife, Lisa, who is a World Bicycle Relief ambassador (and the challenge is a fundraiser for that), and also, I typically do well when there are eyes on me. The extra accountability seems to help.
I started at 222 and quickly lost 14 pounds. It was great!
Then I started eating. Pretty much everything in sight. Well almost everything.
I adore small children but couldn’t possibly eat a whole one.
It was a “farewell to food” grand tour. There were multiple pizza stages, mountains of popcorn, and a serious obsession with hand-crafted, double-dipped chocolate peanut butter cups I found at a local store. Christ-on-a-cracker, those things are so fucking awesome! And expensive. Especially because I ate a lot of them. And by a lot, I mean like 3,147. Just a rough estimate of course.
So it did not come entirely as a surprise when I gained some weight back. And it brought along some friends.
In the blink of eye (or rather stuffing of gob) I was back up to 227. The highest I had been in quite some time.
Fortunately, I was signed up for my medical weight loss management “Do Again” starting on April 16, and it’s been downhill again ever since.
Now, I have been losing weight steadily since then, but after the first few days, it’s been s-l-o-w. Why has it been slow? Because I have not been moving my not-as-giant-but-still-pretty-damn-big butt. I have been extremely lazy. Well, working 50-60 hours a week plus having two kids kind of lazy, but still, I have not been exercising.
Until last night when I had a good, sweaty workout for the first time in 3 months. It was hardly shocker that I was down a full pound this morning. And then Rune and I went out on a short bike ride this morning and I intend to either walk or go to the gym again later today.
So, what does all of this have to do with each other?
Fatty’s weight loss challenge has exactly 28 days left. I originally had the goal of going from 222 to 175 during the challenge. Suffice to say, gaining 19 pounds during the challenge did not really help that cause. So I had reset my goal 190 instead by June 21. And if I had been exercising this last 5 weeks, I would be at least 5 pounds lighter, which would have made getting to 190 pretty darn possible, not even much of a stretch. But instead, I have 14 pounds left. One half pound a day. A burn deficit of 1750 calories a day.
But only for 28 days. Four measly weeks. Sheesh, that’s not much at all in the grand scheme of things. Heck, over a period of just 4 weeks, I could do all kinds of stupid. And if I did, if I really took this framework of the next 4 weeks to really push myself to new limits of stupid, I could reach 190, which is also 5 pounds below my lowest weight so far. I’d be in all new weight loss territory, with just 45 pounds left to lose (of the original 160) and 20 weeks remaining in the active weight loss phase of my program.
I’m going to do some really dumb things for the next 28 days. Try not to judge me!
Finally, back to the gym tonight! Exactly 3 freaking months after my last bike ride. Yikes! 3 months…!
I did 10 miles on the stationary bike and then walked and jogged (some of) a mile on the treadmill. About 55 minutes total. A good start.
I had forgotten how much I love being at the gym after about the first 20 minutes or so. It’s going to the gym I hate, once I’m there and I’ve broken a sweat, it’s great!
The truth is, if I had not been fucking around and not exercising the last 5 weeks, I would be down another 5 pounds already, at or under 200. S0, time to up my game and get back in the literal groove. Let’s hope this one thing leads to another, and another, and another….
Jogged, shuffled, ambled along faster that usual, whatever it was, it was something I have not done (without being chased by a knife-wielding maniac) in a couple of decades.
Truth is I have never been chased by a knife-wielding maniac, but if I had been, I feel fairly certain that even when I was over 300 pounds, I would have sprinted away.
No doubt I even would have gotten as much as 5 to 7 feet away before he plunged his dagger into my rapidly beating heart and heaving torso.
What can I say, last night was a Game of Thrones night.
Anyhoo. I got up extra early to take Sage to school and decided I would walk down for coffee first. The local Java Hut is just over a 1/2 mile round trip. I pulled on some sweats and nice new tennies I have, and thought to myself: “Hey, why not jog, kind of?”
See here’s the thing, yesterday, finally, I felt lighter. That lightness of being reappeared, the sensation of actually being less than I had been. It was glorious.
It won’t last, it never does, the new norm will return. But in the meanwhile, I shall enjoy feeling every spring-y step. And this morning I did.
I jogged about 40-50 feet, then walked the same. Jogged again, walked, and so on. I would guess that I ended up jogging about 1/3 of the round trip. Yes, I realize that 1/3 of 1/2 of a mile is not very far. But then again, it’s 1/3 of 1/2 of a mile more than I have jogged in a very long time.
On a separate yet equally thrilling note, I weighed 205.2 this morning. 205.3 was my original 100 pound weight loss, so I am at least back there and just 10 pounds away from breaking new ground (again).
Dear my-own blog,
I have to come clean. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just spit it out.
I had an affair with another blog.
Yes. I cheated on you. I wrote a post for someone else’s blog instead of for you. And I did it not once, but twice. And if that was not bad enough, it was much better than anything I have posted here in quite some time.
Worst of all, I enjoyed it. A lot.
Can you forgive me? I have not been giving you my best, I know.
Not that I’m trying to justify myself or anything because really, how could it ever be okay, but the thing is, it was really good content. And you know, content IS king! It’s a great story, whose tale is still unfolding, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with what we do here together, you and me. So it needed to happen outside of our relationship. But I want you to know I do truly feel terrible about it and I really was thinking about you (some of the time) while I was doing it.
Meanwhile for us here, well let’s face it, this weight loss saga can be a giant yawn. Especially right now. This is pretty much every day so far:
- About a gallon of half-caf, black coffee
- Water and then more water
- Diet Dr. Pepper (just one a day now!)
- Final water binge before 5pm so I do not pee all night but somehow I do anyway
- Shake or soup depending on my mood
- Hot bath to relax and distract myself from wanting to eat
- Bar around bedtime
- Chastise myself for lack of exercise
- Awake to discover that I have either not lost any weight (effectively) for like 4 days in a row, or then on the 5th day or so, lose like 2 pounds
- Rinse and repeat
Let’s be clear. It’s working. It’s slow, but it is working. But it’s hardly titillating stuff. I’m not saying it’s in the same class as A Cure for Insomnia, but it’s not as far off as I’d like. And isn’t exactly wildly inspirational for regular new postings.
Here’s the thing… I can’t promise you I won’t stray again, though I’m expecting David will be doing the remainder of any guest blogging around that particular transgression, but no matter what happens, I promise, I’m saving all my love for you!
Though I’ve tried to resist, you being last on my list
No other blog’s gonna do
So I’m saving all my love for you
It’s not very easy, blogging all alone
My friends try and tell me, write a blog of your own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I’d rather be home eating stew
So I’m saving all my love for you
Okay I am starving today, just starving. It’s 10am and I have had 4 of my meal replacement bars already. Four! Starting work at 6 am didn’t help but still. Four bars in 4 hours, and I still feel like I could happily eat a side of beef. Or a large pizza. Mmmm… pizza.
My period must be due any time now. That’s the only thing that makes sense – when I get this kind of physical, non-boredom, non-emotional hunger, tampons pretty much always follow!
So aggravating. And worse, now I’ll be short bars later in the week! I can still have two more meal replacements today, I have not “broken” my diet, but it means I will have to have some all liquid days later this week. Those are not fun.
So otherwise, where I am at…. I had my first medical check-in last night before my meeting. I have lost 21 pounds in first 4 weeks and I confessed to her that the first week (when you are supposed to be getting ready to be on all MRPs), that I had actually been on all MRPs that week too. She said “well that explains your 11 pound loss the first week.” Yep, indeed it does.
I actually came home from the meeting in a great mood, all fired up and ready to go to the gym in the first time in a LONG time, but I arrived home to find utter chaos and despair. The kids had been fed but nothing more than that, so I had to make apple turnovers for Renaissance Day at my daughter’s school, and then help with some other school projects. And my daughter had a big audition today that she was wigging out about last night. Lots of tears and 13 y/o drama.
I was no longer in a good mood at that point. I wanted to kill things by 9pm. and the gym was closed by then.
I’ll be going tonight, come hell or high water! I hope. I have simply GOT to start exercising way more than I have been. I was so good about it for so long. No clue where my motivation went, but it sure ain’t to be found.
Okay, I need to go back to work and distract myself from being hungry! This is so annoying. One of the best things about this whole program is the lack of actual hunger, but noooo… my damn hormones have to have their say once a month.
Pace yourself Allison, this is a grand tour not a classic.
The truth of the matter is, this whole process, while healthy and rewarding, can be incredibly tedious as well. Day after day, ups, downs, long flat roads…. especially once the weight loss s-l-o-w-s, which happened right after the first week, it can be a giant yawn, and even a bit painful. For every time you feel “lighter”, there is also the dark side of seeing the sagging skin, and how old you can start to look.
So I am just a few days away from finishing four weeks. I have stayed completely on plan (unless you count replacing an Optifast shake with exactly 8 ounces of whole milk this morning so I could have a frothy, quad latte for Mother’s Day – same calories, though obviously more fat and less nutrients). I am now 2 pounds away from being 205 (again x 5), which was my original 100 pound milestone, and two pounds away from (again) looking to lose that last 60 pounds once and fucking for all!
So what’s ahead for me on this long tour de weight loss?
I have 12 weeks of full fasting left to go (more about that later), and 26 weeks left of the “active weight loss phase”. If I can maintain an average 2-pounds-a-week loss for the entire active phase, I will be just 10 pounds short of my final goal when it’s finished in mid November. I would have to lose 2.4 pounds a week to lose it all by mid-November, and the way it’s been the last two weeks, I am not even super confident about being able to do 2 pounds a week – especially as I get within the final 20 pounds or so, I am sure it will be a real battle at that point.
So while I was very much hoping that I could hit my final goal weight by mid-November (and am still going to try to make that happen), it may not. And I need to make sure that’s not disappointing. I need to be focused on the successes along the way and how much better I am feeling. I need to celebrate each and every new milestone as it happens in a meaningful and joyous way.
But first, I need to just keep my head down and my focus on to better fight the headwinds, and get myself as quickly as I can to that first real milestone, which is being less than 195 pounds. Twelve pounds to go. 4-6 weeks? It’s still a ways off, but I’ll get there and when I do, being in the 180’s for the first time in a very, very long time, will be only a few pounds away. Then I’ll have lots of new milestones to celebrate as my ride continues, and probably, some new interim clothes will be needed as well!